Beauty

What is beauty? How do we determine what is beautiful, isn't it an individual notion. What I deem lovely couldn't have the opposite reaction to someone else. So why does society put a standard out there for us to follow when not all of us believe that is what it means to be beautiful.
Of course I'd love to be tall, slender with legs that go on for an eternity, with long flowing locks of hair that drive men wild but I wasn't part of that genetic pool. I am not dwelling on what I don't have genetics wise, I am proud of who I am and where I come from. I may not be the next Top Model but I a totally ok with that, seriously don't want to be a spectacle for the masses. I have enough problems not being a spaz in my normal life, putting me in front of a camera would just be insanity.

I am come from good stock, great big heart with room to love many people for my lifetime, intelligent enough to know how to jaywalk properly and kind enough to give people second chances whenever possible. I believe people enter our lives for various reasons at times when we really need them and some stay forever and some don't but everyone one of them leaves an imprint on our hearts. It's how we choose to deal with that imprint that shapes us and creates remarkable beauty. Who we are is not determined by how we look, how we look is determined by who we are inside. We project what people want us to see. I am a true believer (now) to really be honest with oneself and be true to you. If you love yourself, then there is no reason others will not love you too.
I struggle with my self esteem, my looks, loving myself on a daily basis. I am getting better but I still am not totally comfortable in my own skin, I wonder if we ever end up there. To that end, I am going to work towards being at peace with myself and try and find one thing good about myself, my looks, my being each and every day and may be just may be one day I'll find that zen state where I can finally say I am happy with everything about myself and be at peace.

Finding Balance

In this crazy world of ours we all strive to find balance. It seems like we try to be everything for everyone all the time and then one day you pause to take in the scenery and it has changed without you noticing.

Balance seems like such a simple concept, everything in moderation will allow you the time to fit it all in. As most things, it works in theory.

We work so hard all the time in order to find a moment to enjoy and it seems to me that is backwards. We need to enjoy the moment as it happens otherwise what is the point. Work will still be there, but those precious moments that life has to offer will not be. We end up missing out on the important parts, we miss out on the great people who are part of our life fill it with so much joy. Why would we want to miss any second of that. It seems to me that we're working so hard so that later in life we can enjoy the finer things, when we forget that the finer things in life are really just being able to enjoy life with those we love.

As I find myself on the edge of burn out, I am starting to realize how important enjoying the small simple pleasures that life has to offer are and I am yearning to spend more time being in the moment than planning past it. It's a hard tight rope to walk and I find I am in conflict with myself often, between being responsible and dedicated to letting my whimsical side loose so I can play and enjoy a summer night on the swings looking up at the stars without a care in the world.

Ever just stopped and allowed yourself to be captivated by the world around you. The starry night sky, the bright full moon shining down on the green grass and the maple trees as they gently blow in the warm summer breeze. It is breathtaking and its all around us. It reminds us that there is more to life. Stop and take it in, it'll do wonders for your soul.

Jumping Through Hoops

Lately I've been struggling to find the energy to keep up the pace that my life has grown into. I am on the go all the time it seems but really I am standing still. I seem to fill my days with work and not much else, hence the feeling of motionless. My career is going well, but I am so focused on that I've lost the overall view of my life and that is to actually live it.
I love my job, but I am starting to wonder if that is all I am, and if that went away who would I be. I am afraid that as I have been healing this past year from all the emotional stress that I've gone through that I've hidden within the walls of my office in order to not deal with everything head on. I need to change this, I know that there are things in my life that I do want to do, I just have to work to find balance in my life. If I find inner peace and contentment to a degree with myself and how my life is going so far, which isn't terrible but is unexpected. I don't have a plan anymore, I don't have a direction and I am floating around in the empty space that is my life looking for things to bump into so they will ground me or give me some sort of nudge and re-focus my energies.
I feel like a lost soul sometimes and others I feel free to fly amongst the stars and dream the biggest wildest dreams. This is where I need to find me, I am a combination of a lost soul flying free among the starry sky dreaming of amazing and wonderful things that I will make come true because I never give up. I am not completely lost, nor am I completely free and perhaps I need to come to terms with being in the middle and learn to navigate my life this way instead of wishing it was something else.
I can find balance and I will and once there I will be even more amazing than I already am. Egotistical may be...but after years of feeling like I could not do anything right it feels good just to find one thing fabulous about me without anyone pointing it out. :)

Overwhelmed

Somedays it seems like all I do is sort out problems for other people and I end up sitting at my computer til the wee hours trying to solve problems and make people's lives better. It sounds like not such a bad thing but then when that's all you do, inevitably the thought creeps in is this all I am and what if this is taken from me. What if I can't keep this up? What if I fail? Then this fear starts to envelope everything covering your eyes with a dark shroud and clouding your mind so that you end up making bad decisions and adding more stress to your life and reaffirming that you can and will fail.
Then the wall that you have created to support you starts to crack and eventually the levees break and the tears flow. I spent the better part of a cloudy Sunday crying my heart out for no particular reason except to let all the frustration, fear and anger out. Frustration that I can't do everything, that I am only human and that the support I need I do not have in all areas of my life. Fear that I do have things to learn but will I have enough time to learn them and still do my job well. Anger that there is not enough time in the day to get everything done.
I go to my dark place when I all these emotions well up and I am trying my best to keep the darkness at bay but there are days when it overwhelms my body and soul and I can't seem to dig out of it for a short while. The good thing is that the darkness only stays briefly because my inner sun shines so much brighter these days.
The long hard cry on Sunday cleansed my soul and I came out of it so much better. I am calm now, I re-centered myself and I am able to pick up where I left off and tackle the days events.
I am proud of myself because I am able to keep the light shining within me longer than I ever could before. I just need to remember to stop and re-center myself when everything gets overwhelming and focus on what matters most.
Life is a challenge but it is also a gift. One that needs to be appreciated and treated with care. We forget that most days but we need to try to enjoy the moment for there will never be another one like it ever again.

Beer, Ice cream and good friends

Today was stressful and frustrating for the majority of the day. I got through it by looking forward to dinner with two of my dearest friends. We had pints, ate burgers and had ice cream cones. At the end of the night we sat on my front porch and talked for hours. I had forgotten how lovely and wonderful an evening of great conversation with wonderful people is. We get so wrapped up in life's little errands and events that we forget the simple things.
One must not take these moments lightly, we need to remember to cherish them and hold on to them for they are what make life full and special.
I was reminded tonight how important it is to have great girlfriends who you can talk to about anything and everything. Bouncing your thoughts, opinions, fears and joys off them helps to give you perspective and affirmation that you are where you need to be, you are loved and you belong.
You feel free to express yourself without the fear of judgement, ridicule or humiliation. It's important to have those supportive people in your life so that you can continue to evolve.
These people bring you back to humanity when life's little stresses have pulled you away for too long. They remind you why it's good to be alive, why it's fabulous to be human and how many more years of life you have to live and how you want to spend your time.

I am so grateful to have such wonderful people in my life. Such strong amazing women who strive to be the best they can be in all aspects of their lives.

It has been a good day and I am happy I managed to stop and enjoy it.

Taking A Small Step Forward

It's been nearly a year since my life changed forever. I split up with the man who I thought was the love of my life, the one I'd be with always and that changed everything. I went through every emotion that one human being could have, I think I even experienced some that are new and radical because no one knew what to do with me for a time. I spent the better part of the year perfectly my fetal position pose until I realized it isn't part of the sun salutation. Dang! I am a pro at that pose. I cried more tears than I have in my whole life combined, I probably could have watered crops for a season with all those tears. Now I have found my footing and am attempting to take another step forward. I've been in limbo for a year and now I am ready to break out into the sunlight and grow.

I've learned a lot in the past year. I've learned the difference between being alone and quality time with oneself. At one time I would have scoffed at someone who told me I needed to learn that, and I have scoffed at them for saying that. Now I realize exactly what they were talking about. You can be alone, just to be alone without doing yourself any good. Just existing isn't living, it's merely being alive. Quality time with oneself allows you to see the real person you are, look at your reflection in the mirror and start accepting the flaws that create you're uniqueness that allow you to be different from everyone else. Accept the things you can't change and start changing the things you can.

We all have parts of ourselves we do not like, we've all done things we're not proud of, but at the end of the day you need to see yourself as the real person you are and be happy with that individual. We're not perfect, and in our imperfections we are fabulous, unique and interesting.

While I may not love myself wholly yet, and of course there are things I would indeed like to change and have started working on those things that need to be improved upon, I can say that at the core of it all I am a good person and that is a solid foundation with which to build upon.